Pahk My Cahh At Hahvad Yahd

I spent the past weekend in Boston. Shoutout Alex Ozdamar, Jesse Ozdamar, and Adam Sawyer for the hospitality. Good company.

Instead of exploring the history of Boston or drinking around the city, we ate. Boy, did we eat. Feel free to skim the next section of the food we ate in a 24 hour span.

11 AM: Gourmet dumpling house

• Two orders steamed dumplings
• One order of fried dumplings
• Two orders of soup dumplings
• One order of bao
• Salt and pepper fried pork
• Beef with onions and peppers
• Spicy beef
• Seafood chow mein
• Three bakery desserts from next door

3 PM: James Hook

• Lobster roll
• Clam chowder

4 PM: Faneuil Hall

• Samples on samples on samples

5 PM: Boston Public Market

• Sea salt doughnut
• Apple cider doughnut
• Blueberries

5:30 PM: Monica’s

• Focaccia pizza samples

6 PM: Mike’s Pastries

• Original Cannoli
• Espresso Cannoli

6:30 PM: Thinking Cup

• Iced coffee

11 PM: Coppersmith

• An entire cup of beer

1 AM: Dumpling Cafe

• Two orders fried dumplings
• One order of steamed
• Two orders of soup dumplings
• Garlic chicken
• Pork fried rice
• Pork belly
• Salt and pepper fried pork

11 AM: Friendly Toast

• Crab cake Benedict on potato skins
• Pancakes with peanut butter chocolate whipped cream banana (for the table)
• French toast (for the table)

*This is not including sausage and hot dog from the game the night before and charcuterie board from Eataly after the game.

Michael Phelps ate less than this when he was Olympic training. Gonna need one of my readers to do a pro bono calorie count on this.

Calm Down Sparky

I learned a new digestive concept this weekend:

Drink as much sparkling soda as possible so you can digest faster. 

I now have a new obsession with sparkling soda. Please feel free to send me brand recommendations.

Taken Out Of Context

Upon further review of song lyrics, some verses are very odd when taken out of context.

I don’t drink champagne. It makes my stomach hurt.

• Nothing is cooler than stomach indigestion. Lil Wayne agrees.

This is not a love song. This a fuck a stripper on a mink rug song.

• I have a playlist for this exact scenario. Thanks Drake for another addition!

I’ll admit I fell in love with Kim around the same time she fell in love with him. That’s cool baby girl do your thing. Lucky I ain’t have Jay drop him from the team.

• Kanye probably regrets this line. Saying that he fell in love with Kim K. when she started dating Kris Humphries? Very insecure of Kanye. Side note: people forget Kris Humphries averaged a double-double for two straight seasons with the Nets.

I used to treat my mattress like an ATM.

• This makes sense. 2Chainz used to stash his money under his mattress.

Stroke my cactus.

• Hey Travis Scott! I also have a cactus!

Come on ma, you know I got a wife. And even though that pussy tight I’m not gon’ jeopardize my life.

• DMX raps about how he sleeps with this woman. However, he will not date her because he does not want to jeopardize his marriage. Hmph.

Rob the jewelry store and tell them make me a grill.

• Nelly says he is going to rob a jewelry store and then tell that same store to make him a grill? Do you think he waited in the lobby for them to make it? Or did he show up, point guns at them, tell them to make a grill, then come back at a later date to retrieve it?

Run shit like diarrhea.

• Technically, diarrhea is just “running shit.” This plays. Good job 2Chainz.

Planet Fitness

I hate to be mean, but…

There was an old, portly man in the locker room. His gray tank top was drenched in sweat. That was the only thing he was wearing. I saw his geriatric butt.

He tried to take his tank top off prior to his shower. However, he couldn’t take it off because he was too aged, fat, and sticky.

There was no way I was going to help him either. I don’t want to touch his booty, nor do I want his body juice on my hands.

Does the “No Judgment Zone” rule extend to the locker room?

Just An Accent

No one in Boston has a Boston accent.

In addition, no one in New York has a New York accent.

This may just be my naïveté, but I feel like every other “accent city” I visit, the accent is omnipresent.

Mottos (<–funny looking word)

I do not have cable in my apartment. I have an Amazon Fire Stick. It uses wifi to stream everything.

When the wifi (frequently) spazzes out, the error says, “Connected with problems.”

This is an awesomely vague phrase. It will also be the title for my upcoming autobiography.

King James

As if Lebron beating up on the Celtics for the last decade wasn’t enough, I had to honor The King in front of Boston’s most historic landmark.

Lebron + JB = 1

Boston = 0

#ExpandTheBrand