Ode to Grain

Dear Nutrigrain Bars,

Your box – so slim. Not too firm. Not too flimsy.

I displace the individually wrapped slab out of its abode.

I select the side I want to peak at. I grip onto opposing ends and tear you apart.

I get my first glimpse of a tan stick with an apple-cinnamon slit.

You’re looking like a snack.

I rest my tongue on your bottom side. Your topside gets the brunt of my teeth. A gentle nibble does the job. I bust right through you.

I masticate.

I swallow.

I look down at you and smile.

Then I go in for round two.

Love,

BlocBoy JB

Poppin’ Hammies

There’s sprinting. And then there’s in-game sprinting.

If I’m not chasing after someone (nor someone chasing after me), I can never hit full speed. It’s tough to hit 10 MPH without motivation.

I was playing softball. I tried to beat out a double-play ball. I hit my sprinting climax.

I have never popped a hamstring before. Until this moment.

Then they turned a double-play on me.

Probably the second worst moment of my life. Closely following the time I got stung by a bee and water went down the wrong pipe simultaneously.

I’m A Flirt

If a girl in a skimpy outfit in the gym walks right in front of me and starts doing workouts that show off her butt, is that a form of flirting?

Need someone to mansplain this to me

Animals For Hire

If animals had human careers, here is what they would do:

• Octopus – Masseuse
• Pomeranian – Long Island Mother
• Penguin – Waiter (already wearing tuxedos)
• Sharks – Venture Capitalists
• Pussy Cats – Escorts
• Electric eel – Vibrator

Purpose of Underwear

Capture ball sweat.

Hold my phone so I can watch stuff while I poop.

Brooklyn Dive Bar

I went to a dive bar in Brooklyn.

Never have I looked more in place but felt out of place at the same time.

Train (Not The Band)

There is an art to falling asleep on a train.

It takes a while to get comfortable and tired to fall asleep.

However, the longer it takes to fall asleep, the anxiety builds because you’re afraid to sleep through your stop.

I always end up trying to sleep for the first few hours, failing, then trying to stay awake or the last few hours because I don’t want to pass out.

Also, I’ve been farting this entire train ride. If you’re on Amtrak Train 86 from NYC to Boston in the front car, I sincerely apologize.

Subway Stalking

I wrote a short story for my writing class describing some dude I saw on the subway. Please read below:

Doesn’t like vegetables. Not Fat.

Good with children. Not animals.

Terrible eyesight. Not wearing glasses. Should be.

What an odd stench emanating from this creature of the D Train. Is he going to perform for us? Is he going to beg for money? Where else could this guy be going?

He’s clearly not homeless. His wavy blonde hair is a bit too kempt for a homeless person. He’s with a pretty woman. She’s seems significantly older than him. The woman loves athleisure. She looks like she just stepped out of a Lululemon advertisement. Definitely belongs to Equinox.

I wonder what their relationship is like. Mother/son is my best guess. Although people are into weird shit nowadays so who am I to judge?

Back to the dude. Who the fuck where’s a scarf? And a fur coat?!?!? It’s summer. Might as well have a hot coffee and roast in a sauna too.

I’ve made eye contact six times. How many times until we make it uncomfortable. He blatantly knows I’m staring at him. I wonder what he thinks of me. I’m way taller than him but that doesn’t seem to faze him. He keeps looking at my hands. I mean, I do have very soft hands. But there’s no way he can sense that.

Whenever he looks at me, he starts panting. We’ve been on the subway for 20 minutes now. How is he still out of breath? He doesn’t seem out of shape. Looks like a runner. He had a very easy gait as we walked on the subway.

I make extended eye contact again. This is getting weird. He’s walking over to me. The woman is coming with him.

He makes a snarling noise at me. Then he smiles.

It’s at this moment that I recall how much I love golden retrievers.

His name is Murphy.

Suite Life

Here are a few things I’ve learned as I’m coming up on a year in an apartment.

• Dust develops quickly.
• Dishes won’t get cleaned in the dishwasher unless they’re rinsed first.
• Doing laundry sucks (so I pay for a laundry service).
• Pizza can be eaten for every meal (I’ve known this forever but it’s been reiterated).
• Toilet bowls have to be cleaned.
• Cleaning a duvet cover is impossible.
• Hair is everywhere (except my head).

Cover Photo

My roommate and I are shockingly still doing our podcast. We needed a new cover photo so we can upload it to Apple Music. I think we’ve decided on this one:

Let us know what you think.

#ExpandTheBrand