Twooooo Minutes… DOS!

It’s a normal Monday night. Doing some Twitter surfing. The Yankee game on the tube.

In a span of 120 seconds, I did the below:

• Killed a mosquito against my face
• Went to the bathroom to clean my forehead
• Dropped my roommate’s wallet in the toilet

Yes, I consider this an eventful Monday night.

I’ve Become So Numb

I sleep in weird positions.

I woke up at 4 in the morning. I must have been in a pretzel.

My arm felt absolutely dead. I had to lift up my right arm with my left arm to move it.

I don’t wanna die.

Who Is America?

If you don’t watch this show… watch this show.

Wing King

Mango habanero wing sauce is beyond underrated.

Most wing shops don’t have it.

I doubt you’ve tried it before.

Go do yourself a favor.

I also have a few mango habanero wings left over in my fridge. First come, first serve.

Under My Umbrella

I’m an umbrella guy. For the following two reasons:

• I like keeping my pants and shoes dry when I’m walking.
• Rain jackets are too warm in the summer. I’m a sweater.

However, there is a fine art behind being an umbrella user. Here are my rules for umbrellas:

1. They cannot be too big. I’m talking obnoxiously big. Unless you’re on a golf course.
2. If you’re walking in a narrow walkway and passing someone who is also holding an umbrella, the taller person must lift theirs up, and the shorter person must lower theirs.
3. Be cognizant that you’re holding an umbrella.
4. Don’t turn too abruptly.
5. Don’t try to fit in narrow areas if you’re umbrella is at eye-level of other passerby’s.
6. Throw out your current umbrella. I saw an umbrella with a blue sky and pleasant clouds on the underneath part. Everyone must own this.

I Could Be Your Girlfriend

If/when I ever get a girlfriend, she must to allow me to continue using dating sites.

There’s just too much content available on them.

D-Odor-Ant

When someone sniffs their armpit, I immediately assume I smell bad.

Shitters

“You bet your sweet ass” is a fairly common idiom. I decided to use it for the first time. To a guy.

Upon further review, he was uncomfortable when I said it and I was uncomfortable saying it.

It’s a terrible idiom.

Back To School

I had my third writing class. Here is my third excerpt:

I’m a little late. I do this a lot. It’s just too difficult to not get caught up in the luscious chest hair that snags my eye after every shower. I mean, the glistening belongs on the armor of Gal Gadot in Wonder Woman. If only she was Hasidic, she’d be the wife for me.

“Ma, I’ll be there soon. Good things come to those who wait. And trust me, she’ll be getting something really good tonight.”

Two In The Pink

If anyone has a dealer for the pink amoxicillin drink I used to have when I was sick as a child, please slide in my DMs.

An Apple A Day

Who the fuck named apples? Here are some names:

• Red Delicious
• Golden Delicious
• Granny Smith
• Cripps Pink
• Breeze
• Cosmic Crisp
• Jazz
• Envy
• Juici
• Lady Alice
• Piñata
• Smitten
• Sweety
• SugarBee
• SweeTango

This could also be the lineup for a horse race.

Take Notes

Go to your note sheet on your iPhone. Look closely at the background. It’s textured like actual paper.

~whoa~

Straw Man

Starbucks made an announcement that they will be phasing out their plastic straws because they kill sea animals or something like that. Not sure how that works. But whatever.

All of a sudden, every stadium and city is now banning straws.

I thought straws were going to be phased out slowly so I could get used to it.

This is all happening WAY too quickly for me.

“Thanks Man”

I said “Thanks man” to someone the other day at the coffee shop.

However, the barista might have not been a man.

This said person gave me a weird look.

Keep your sneer.

Paternity

Saturday. July 28th, 2018. 10:45 AM

Random Dad: Hey son, is it too early for ice cream?

7-Year Old Son: Nope!

Random Dad: That’s correct!

This is the kind of dad I want to be. 

Paternity x2

This is a picture of JB and Hank.

Find yourself a Hank.

 

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