The Password Is…

I’m not really sure how to explain this or why I think it’s funny…

But old people creating their first computer passwords was probably hilariously difficult.

Fuck You And Your Hampton House

I’m privileged. Not privileged enough to have ever attended the Hamptons. I’m trying to find my way to the Hamptons.

In addition to a GoFundMe page, I will be posting this resume online on why you should invite me to your Hamptons house.

Education

• I have $376,900 in lifetime proceeds from Jeopardy
• • Not including deductions for answers I’ve gotten incorrect. Also subject to accounting errors by me.
• 3.2 GPA from the University of Maryland (recovered from 2.6 GPA my freshman year)
• I have more blog followers than your other guests
• 49% fluent in Spanish according to Duolingo

Experience

• Fire Island – July 2018
• Margate – July 2017
• Point Pleasant – August 2016
• Hiatus – May 2013 to September 2015
• Long Beach Island – September 1994 to September 2012

Skills

• Proficient in cooking with grill, oven, skillet, sous vide, air fryer, Instant Pot, Crock Pot, hard boiled egg maker, panini press
• Excel at Microsoft Excel
• Actively “pretends” to clean so I look busy
• Always carries a bottle opener

Interests

• Impressing your parents – your mom is going to love me
• Spike Ball and Kan Jam
• Waking up early to take your dog for a walk

Ratings

• Uber – 4.66
• Lyft – 5
• Intercourse – 3.2
• Conversation – 4.1
• Tolerance – 1.1

Warnings

• I snore.
• I walk around naked sometimes.
• Not the prettiest sight with a shirt off.
• You’re going to need to shave my back before I go on the beach.
• I’ll forget to bring either toothpaste or a phone charger.
• You’re going to need to rub aloe on my back and shoulders. I will get burnt.

Writing Class Update

I just had my second Humor Writing class. I will now share an excerpt of what I wrote.

This is snippet from a first-person short story from the perspective of a homosexual man:

We land in Spain. We hop in an Uber with Sergio. The ride was 45 minutes to downtown Pamplona. Or it could have been an hour and a half. Or three hours. Maybe even 12. I don’t know. That’s what 2 Xanax and 4 mini bottles of cabernet will do to a 135-pound boy.

Jimmy didn’t take any drugs or drink at all during the flight. How am I marrying this guy? Even if he wouldn’t take me to Paris, the least he could do is take me to the Mile High Club.

Back to Sergio. He had a nice stubble beard, an eighth of an inch of hair buzzed closely on the sides and sublime 6 inch coif on top. Once again, how am I marrying Jimmy?

I’m getting really good at this “writing” thing.

Bathroom Talk

There’s a lot of gross things a man can do in a bathroom.

However, this one takes the urinal cake:

I saw someone walk out of the bathroom stall after presumably dropping a deuce. He walked out of the stall, sniffed his right hand, made a disgusted face, then washed his hands.

I’m still so glad he washed his hands.

Dollar Dollar Bill Y’all

Using a dollar bill to blow your nose sounds ludicrous. However, there are times when I’m in need of a full clearance, but there are no tissues handy.

At a time like this, I would pay a few bucks for a tissue.

I have no shame in saying that I have used a dollar bill to blow my nose. I promptly threw the soiled currency in the garbage afterwards.

Definitely not my worst use of a dollar.

Inappropriate Response

I’ve had the below conversation in my head over a thousand times. I laugh every time. I don’t have the balls to actually say it.

Girl: I’m going to meet up with a girlfriend.

Me: Oh, so you’re a lesbian

Bad and Boujee

I saw this license plate the other day outside of my office:

This person sucks.

#ExpandTheBrand