The Retail Industry
I have no experience in the retail industry. I am by no means an expert.
Given, I have my criticisms.
Why is returning something so complicated?
There has to be a simpler point-of-sale service that makes this process easier.
Flatulence
Is a revolving door a good or bad place to fart?
The Game of Life
I need to make some serious life decisions:
Do I like jaywalkers or not?
I love them when I’m walking. I hate them when I’m driving.
Do I like bus lanes or not?
I love them when I’m on a bus. I hate them when I’m not on a bus.
Do I like mayo?
Sometimes? I have to make up my mind. It’s been 23 years.
Could I date a vegetarian?
Probably not. But hey, stranger things have happened.
I’ll Never Let Go, Jack
- Is it weird being the child of an actor and seeing them die in a movie?
- Does it diminish the pain when they actually die?
- If they die, does it hurt more to watch them die in a movie?
Blessings on Blessings on Blessings
Sneeze etiquette is REAL.
I have some rules behind saying “bless you” after someone sneezes.
- Let’s keep religion out of this.
- “Bless you” is warranted for the first two sneezes. After that, you’re on your own.
- Don’t sneeze more than twice.
- Put on hand sanitizer.
- Apologize. Sneezing is annoying.
Go Cuck Yourself
If you’ve eaten with me, it’s likely you’ve experienced me rant about my biggest pet peeve.
My biggest pet peeve is when someone at my table sees food coming, says “here’s our food,” and it’s not our food.
You made me hungry. You made me salivate. You made me angry.
I’m a massive hypocrite. I did this to myself.
Well, similar.
I was eating a bowl of Mexican food from Dos Toros. By myself. Like a loser.
I went to craft the perfect first bite. A little steak. A little guac. A little pico de gallo.
I opened my mouth wide. I lifted my fork to greet my tongue. I prepped my tastebuds for an orgasm.
The ball dropped. Onto my right shoe. Happy New Years!
Disgusted in myself, I threw the entire bowl of food in the garbage bin. Fuck compost.
Three Questions
I posed three questions in my last blog post. I said I’d post the best responses. None were that good. Here’s the gist of what I received:
Do I have a big or small forehead?
You’re all forehead.
Did I handle the situation correctly when the girl’s titty fell out of her shirt?
No. Just lift her shirt over the nip and walk away.
How do women “dap up”?
They scissor.
I think my friends are just assholes.
Theodor Geisel
I started a writing course. Humor writing.
Here’s an excerpt of a personal bio I wrote for class:
Only wears dark colors in fear of showing armpit sweat.
Struggled from weight issues when he was younger. Still struggles with weight issues.
Only uses two fingers to type on a laptop. Still his best two-fingered skill.
Deathly afraid of raccoons and commitment.
Wants to die in a plane crash.
Claims he’s straight yet he always asks Michelle at the happy ending massage parlor to go a little deeper. There’s nothing like a well-placed thumb.
Class is going well.
Fried Cactus
Here is my pet cactus when he was just a baby. His name is Roly.
He’s a big New York Rangers fan.
JB Finds JB Funny 