Questions of the Day

I will post the best responses on my next blog post if they’re informative or make me laugh. I promise anonymity, if requested.

First Question of the Day

Do I have a big or small forehead? 

Second Question of the Day

Let’s set a scene.

I’m at Maguire’s Bayfront Restaurant and Bar in Fire Island, New York. A vaguely familiar woman walks up to me. She’s a bit too inebriated. She babbles on about how she knows me and we used to share a group of friends. I’m nodding and smiling.

About halfway through the litany, her right breast udderly (teehee) falls out of her low cut v-neck top.

I am entirely too distracted to listen to the rest of the conversation. I’m trying to figure out how to tell her that she has a rogue titty.

All things considered, I let the conversation finish, making as much eye contact as humanly possible (which isn’t much, given the circumstances), and walk away. I proceed to tell all of my friends and fall to the ground in hysterics.

What is the right way to handle this situation?

Third Question of the Day

Guys dap up for everything.

I want to describe “dapping up” to my readers in case they do not know what it is, but I fell short on knowledge. I have copy and pasted the below excerpt from Wikipedia:

“Dap is a friendly gesture of greeting, agreement, or solidarity between two people that has become popular in western cultures, particularly since the 1970s, originating from African American communities. Giving dap typically involves handshaking (often, by hooking thumbs), pound hugging, fist pounding, or chest- or fist bumping.”

Here are a few scenarios when I will dap someone up:

• Saying hello or goodbye
• They hit a cup in beer pong
• They make a funny joke
• I’m congratulating them on something
• They buy me a drink
• They just had sex
• If we’re watching a game on TV and something good happens to the team we’re both rooting for
• Pretty much anything

I don’t think I’ve ever seen two girls high-five or fist bump after any of the these listed circumstances.

How do women “dap up” in the above scenarios?

It’s Not Your Fault

My friend and I needed to get downtown to eat some grub. After much deliberation (per my recommendation), we settle on using Lyft rather than Uber.

I ordered a Lyft pick us up at 34th and Lexington.

However, the driver missed the turn onto 34th Street. And 33rd Street. Oh, and also 31st Street.

At this point, guilt started to build.

We were running late.

As the diminutive vehicle on the app’s map travelled south, I felt as if it was all my fault since I requested the ride.

This is not the first time I’ve experienced ride-sharing ride-shaming.

Soon after, I realize this is not my fault at all since I’m so far out of control in the situation.

Everything returns to normal.

Slippery

I slipped and fell in Penn Station.

It was probably hysterical – the station was packed (rush hour before a holiday weekend), I was carrying a heavy duffle bag over my shoulder, and I’m a funny looking dude.

Trifecta.

There was a wet spot on the floor amidst hundreds of people. My right foot plants in it. I slam into a full spread eagle position. My left knee buries into the floor. I end up on my rear with my bag flying to my right.

Embarrassed and ashamed, I stand up quickly, toss my bag over my shoulder, drop the brim of my hat over my eyes, and walk away in fuming anger.

Here are the thoughts that went through my head:

“Why didn’t someone clean up that puddle? Do your job maintenance people!”

“My knee is throbbing. Holy shit. Could I have broken something?”

“Great. This is the last thing I need before going on a drinking bender this weekend.”

“I need crutches.”

“I laugh at people all the time when they fall. I deserve this one.”

iSnore

I have been told that I snore.

When preparing to share a room/bed with someone, they often ask me how to get me to stop snoring in case the rumbles are unbearable.

This question should not be directed toward me, but to anyone else who has ever slumbered next to me.

I will be creating a group chat with everyone who has slept near me. This should be fun.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

I love traveling somewhere new.

However, I’ve realized before every trip I take, I have this same thought:

I’m so excited to get back into bed after this vacation.

I hope you can all relate to this.

Interior Design

This is a crude picture of the living room/dining room/kitchen of my apartment. It is one of the biggest shoeboxes I’ve ever seen.

If you have any suggestions on how to improve the feng shui of my humble abode, please let me know.

 

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