Underneath My Shoes

I have REALLY nice feet.

No scars, very soft, nearly hairless, textbook shape, no veins.

They’re my best trait. But there are some bad things about having incredibly nice feet.

So I’m going to do a pro and con list of having nice feet.

Pros:

• Look nice
• Feel nice
• Taste nice

Cons:

• I have to take care of them
• The bottom of my feet are very soft and sensitive so I cannot walk on rough surfaces with bare feet
• Every time I have a foot laceration, it stands out

Draught or Bottle?

I always order a draught rather than a bottle.

Why, you might ask? Well, many reasons.

Some included: I like the taste better, I’d prefer to drink out of a cup/mug, it makes me feel classier.

However, I’ll never not be amazed by this:

There is the same amount of liquid in a bottle and a glass of beer.

I ALWAYS think that the glass is significantly more beer, and I am always shellshocked whenever I order a bottle and they pour it into a glass and the glass is filled to the brim.

I can’t be the only one who thinks this.

Just So You Know

I get the same questions over, and over, and over again. I’m just going to list out the answers of my most frequently asked questions:

• I shave my head twice a week.
• It takes about 15 minutes.
• Yes, I use shampoo.
• Yes, I use conditioner.
• Because it’s sterile and I like the taste.
• I like it when you put your finger there.
• Yes, I’ve tried to grow it back.
• No, it looks terrible
• Keep going baby, that turns me on.
• I use both soap and shampoo on my scalp.
• I use gel in my beard.
• Yes, keep doing that.

You’ve Got The Right Temperature

All this weather has got me in my feels.

Firstly, weather is the ultimate small-talk. This is a very cold take. However, every single session of small talk makes some mention of the weather. No one seems to mind. It’s more inclusive than sports, less invasive than talking about the spouse, quicker than asking about weekend plans.

So here are my thoughts about weather for your future small-talk endeavors.

Cold Showers

I really want to enjoy hot showers. I’ve spent my entire life trying to heat up my shower so it burns my skin and steams up the room. I’ve always wanted to enjoy the scalding water.

I have officially decided to retire from trying to make the water hotter and hotter.

I have accepted my fate as a man who enjoys a nice, warm shower.

Maybe even on the colder side.

Because that’s what I like, and have always liked.

If you cannot accept this, please don’t shower with me.

Hot or Cold?

I prefer being cold when I’m indoors.

I prefer being hot when I’m outdoors.

Best Temperature

The best temperature is when you don’t feel it.

Emoji Talk

You can always tell someone’s general disposition by looking at their most recently used emojis. I’ll list you some of mine and you’ll let me know if it’s accurate:

• 🙄
• 😏
• 😂
• 🤷🏼‍♂️
• 🧐

These describe me, right?

Dental Issues

I doubt anyone has ever had this problem. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy.

I had a small hair stuck in my back molars. A small beard hair. Sticking straight up.

I couldn’t quite grab it. It was too wedged in for my tongue to enact removal. It was tickling my tongue and gums.

In a heroic act, I pinched my fingernails together in the nether region of my mouth, plucked this pesky hair, and saved my mouth from persistent titillation.

Foooooooooooood

Eggs and turkey are fillers.

They both have very little taste. They are present to add girth and nutrition to any meal.

A sandwich with just pastrami is too flavorful and powerful. Turkey evens it out.

Have you ever had a breakfast sandwich with just bacon and cheese? It needs egg.

Turkey and eggs have very little flavor. But they complement foods that I desire impeccably well.

Vegetation

Every vegetable is hidden. I eat vegetables to take a break from the star of the meal (the protein).

I never seek out a vegetable. They have barely any taste. I only eat vegetables if they are a vehicle for a sauce/dip.

Don’t believe me?

Try eating vegetables without hummus, peanut butter, or ranch. Nor deep fried, stir fried, or pan fried.

Please do not hold me accountable for any self-inflicted injuries.

Vegetarians

Correlating with the above segment, I don’t understand vegetarians.

My mouth will never moisten for a veggie. I don’t know how anyone can salivate over one.

Scared Money Don’t Make No Money

Common insult: He’s scared of his own shadow.

No one is actually scared of their own shadow, right?

WRONG!

At 9:43 PM, on Tuesday, July 3rd, 2018, I was scared of my own shadow.

I was walking in New York City. I just passed the corner of 39th and 2nd.

I look down and to my left and there’s a massive shadow gaining speed over my shoulder. A hulking shadow. I startle and gasp.

For my readers who have never met me, I’m a pretty big guy.

It was my shadow. There was a light from a bodega that casted a sudden and unexpected shadow of me.

I, for the first time in the history of man, was scared of my own shadow.

Baby, You’re A Firework

Fireworks. Are. Overrated.

They’re the same thing every time. They’re not that impressive. When did we decide that we will use fireworks to celebrate holidays?

That being said, I love fireworks and I’ll watch them every single time they’re displayed.

Just please don’t snapchat the fireworks. Everyone is watching them. No one cares if you’re watching them. They’re not cool or impressive when watched on a 5.8 inch screen. Just enjoy them.

Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest

Is it bad to get aroused during the women’s competition?

Don’t Let Me Get In My Zone

Find someone more locked in than I am.

Maybe this guy?

Oh wait, that’s also me.

#ExpandTheBrand