Hygienics

I brush my teeth every morning and every night (unless I’m drunk or lazy). I would hypothesize that I brush my teeth 1.81 times a day.

It wastes so much time. I want to lie to you all and say I brush for 2 minutes – but I don’t.

I average 52.7 seconds.

That is completely made up, but a fairly accurate conjecture.

If my calculations are correct (please don’t fact-check me), I brush my teeth for 9.67 hours per year.

9.67 Hours

Here’s a list of things I can do in the 9.67 hours per year if I never brushed my teeth.

• Get a very good night’s sleep
• Watch almost the entire first season of Westworld
• Complete a full day at work
• Attend 12.89 spin cycle classes at my gym
• Learn fluent Portuguese
• Drive 773.6 miles on the highway
• Run a marathon

New Music

I wrote in my last blog “Mark Twain Jr.” that I do not like any new music that has come out since 2017.

Two people were upset by my sentiment and decided to take action: Brand Kraut and Aubrey Graham.

One of the above sent me a list of new music that I would like. The other put out a 25 song dual-album that absolutely BUMPS.

My new favorite songs are “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes and the entire “Scorpion” album by Drake.

Thank you to Adonis’ father for putting together such an iconic album.

Miami Ink

Do people think about how their tattoos will look in 50 years?

Most probably do.

However, some definitely don’t.

I saw a young lady with only one tattoo visible: an enormous dragon on her upper chest/lower neck.

That’s the tattoo I’d get if I knew I was going to die early.

Friend’s Girlfriends

I’m friends with all of my friend’s girlfriends. I know a lot of you read this blog.

Can one of you girls set me up with one of your friends?

If you don’t, I’m going to tell your boyfriend to break up with you.

Now who’s in control.

Worst Type of Fish?

Selfish.

You never know how selfish people are until you make a new Instagram page for your podcast and every single person takes the follow but doesn’t follow back.

People out here stealing follows.

Totally relatable.

Follow theatypicalaudiobook on Instagram.

Weekend Thoughts

Emoji-sized Bitmojis

I got called out for using this emoji: 🤷🏼‍♂️

What’s wrong with it? It has blonde hair. And I don’t.

Enough of this “We need red-hair emojis and bald emojis now! Equality!”

We just need to be able to integrate our Bitmojis into the emoji keyboard. Then everyone will stop the damn complaining.

Dog Food

Do dogs remember what they like to eat?

My dog still begs for shit that she doesn’t enjoy.

Sophie, if you’re reading this, stop begging for carrots. You don’t like them. You’ll bite it once, cover it in saliva, and leave it on the floor for me to clean up. It’s gross.

Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon

I had watermelon with seeds for the first time in my life last week.

Thank you to the agriculture gods for genetically modified foods.

SAUCE

If you don’t sop up the pasta sauce with bread after a meal, I don’t like you.

Chip Butty

This was a menu item in Thailand.

Still trying to figure out what it is. Inquire within if you have insider knowledge.

 

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