Shut the Door

Ok, bare with me here.

You know how if you close a car door lightly, it does that weird kinda-closed thing where it makes a soft noise?

Of course you do.

Whenever this happens, I always reopen the door and slam it really hard to ensure closure.

However, I was in a taxi this past week. The driver half-closed the door. Instead of reopening the door, he just pulled the door tighter.

AND. IT. CLOSED.

Someone has to try this out and see if this works on all cars. Please let me know.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You

I put a penny into a tip jar today because my purchase was $5.99.

A penny.

Please don’t thank me for this.

“Thank you” has been saturated. It has lost all meaning. Don’t thank me for anything unless it took significant effort by me or exuded significant value for you.

Licorice

This confuses me.

1. What is licorice? Is it a spice? Is it a vegetable? No one knows.
2. Why does Jagermeister taste like licorice?
3. Why are the tasty Twizzler’s called licorice? They taste nothing like licorice. They’re strawberry.
4. Why is it pronounced “lick-oh-rish?” What language of origin is this?

Girls Who Lift

I’ve been wondering this for years. I have so many thoughts on this:

Do girls want to be approached at the gym?

Here is why I think girls DO want to be approached:

• Leggings
• Seductive outfits
• Lululemon
• I sometimes see girls talking to guys at the gym
• They’re proud of the body they worked hard for and they want to talk about it
• They think guys look good while working out
• Guys at the gym have similar interests if they also go to the gym

Here is why I think girls DO NOT want to be approached:

• They feel uncomfortable if they are ogled
• They want to work out and then go home

I actually have no idea about this.

@Ladies, there’s a girl at the gym that I’ve been wanting to talk to. Should I go up to her? Or is this a lost cause?

No Music

I always thought I’d be up to date on music. I put significant effort into listening to new songs. I prided my playlists on being current. I thought this would continue throughout the rest of my existence.

There’s one problem.

I don’t like any of the new music that has come out. Kanye’s music sucked. Drake’s diss track sucked. Nas’ album sucked.

I’ve officially reached the end of “My Era” of music. I know exactly what music I’ll listen to on the radio when my kids are in the back seat.

RIP to “My Era” of Music: 1998-2017

Requirements to Date Me

• Laugh at my jokes
• Tell me when I need to shave my head
• Have patience with me when I have an exorbitant amount of energy first thing in the morning
• Listen to music from 1998-2017
• Read all my blog posts
• Dancing abilities

100 Calorie Packs

These were the shit when I was an overweight middle schooler.

Although the Oreo ones were bullshit. It was a tasteless chocolate hexagon with tasteless white powder on top.

Chips Ahoy made a pretty terrible rendition as well.

However, I still compare every dessert on a 100 calorie basis, solely because of this prepackaged nonsense.

Samuel Langhorne Clemens

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”

That’s what I’m trying to do here.

#ExpandTheBrand