First Bangkokian Thought

If you have hairy ears, shave them.

Second Bangkokian Thought

I got into a taxi to go meet up with some friends.

Fortunately, the driver spoke decent English and was very friendly.

We hit it off.

He gave me a tour of the area, showed me all these cool monuments, let me know where I should go out at night, etc.

Then he pointed out a young girl. And when I say young, I mean YOUNG.

He motioned to his breast region and gave it a quick squeeze and said, “no milk yet.”

I chuckled, nervously.

He reaches over to the back seat, grabs my leg, and questions, “you like that?”

*nervous chuckle*

Persistently, Mr. Taxi Driver says, “I can get you one girl that young to your hotel room tonight. You can make boom-boom,” as he pounds the palms of his hands together in a voracious manner. “Not too expensive either.”

Welcome to Bangkok.

Ping Pong Show

If you do not know what a ping pong show is, do yourself a favor (or disservice) and Google it.

I attended one of them.

Ok, maybe two.

I conducted an interview with one of the stars of the show.

Her name is Spin Serve.

JB: Now that we’ve had sex, it’s time to start the interview.

SS: Good, I love pillow talk. Can you pay me first, though?

JB: *hands over 2,500 baht*

JB: So tell me how you got started in this profession?

SS: My dad was a professional Ping-Pong player. He always needed someone to practice against. However, I was never good enough. He’d return my serve with ease and win every point. I was a competitor. I tried to develop a serve to beat him. I’d sit in my basement, firing these balls across the table, but none had the correct spin to get by him. Then I read an article about Ed Walsh, the Hall of Fame spit-ball pitcher for the Chicago White Sox. The movement on his spit-balls dipped and dived in unprecedented ways. So that’s how I got the idea. I also wasn’t good enough in school to do anything intelligent.

JB: Wow, you’re a true inspiration to women everywhere.

JB: I was especially impressed with your dexterity with bananas. Answer me this: do you still enjoy bananas?

SS: I actually do! I’m pretty effective at separating work and pleasure, if you catch my drift.

JB: You mentioned to me before that you were trilingual: Thai, English, and Chinese. During the show, you wrote words down in English on paper without using your hands. Have you tried writing in Chinese?

SS: There are so many intricacies in writing in Chinese. I gave it a shot. I really tried hard. I just don’t have that type of precision. But almost my entire audience can read English so I think I’d only need the skill if I moved to China.

JB: Last question. You popped a few balloons while shooting darts. What’s your high score in darts?

SS: I actually have two perfect nine-dart finishes. I have plaques in my changing room.

JB: Thank you for the interview. I really appreciate you giving me 15 minutes of your time since I only gave you 30 seconds of mine.

Collection of Random Thailand Thoughts

Ranch flavored snacks taste nothing like ranch dressing.

It makes me feel very masculine since I’m the tallest person here by at least a foot.

I keep seeing people wearing doctors’ masks in the street. Does anyone still get SARS? Remember how massive the SARS epidemic was?

I’d love to watch an elevator camera. Show me someone who hasn’t picked their nose in an empty elevator and I’ll show you a liar.

You know how distant you’ve got with a friend when your only text conversation consists of “Happy birthday dude!”

How does your body and brain decide which positions are comfortable? Certain positions are comfortable one night and then miserable the next night. How do you decide if a position is comfortable enough to sleep in?

Are humans waterproof?

Underrated benefit of being bald: when airplanes or restaurants give you a hot towel, I can rub off the top of my head. It feels very nice.

Also, I can lay down with my head resting in the sand without consequence.

Cleaning Crew

There is a woman in the bathroom cleaning at almost all times. It’s quite awkward.

At our first dinner in Bangkok, I released my bowels and clogged the toilet.

About 30 minutes later, I return to the scene of the crime to urinate. A cleaning woman was in the stall with a plunger and the door open. She was wearing a mask.

I made eye contact with her as I peed. I couldn’t help myself as I got struck with a pang of superiority.

Shark Tank

I’m going to go on Shark Tank. Here is my pitch for a new invention:

“This is my product. It is called Room-Temperature Spray-On Sunscreen.”

Mark Cuban collapses, as he has never heard such a good idea in his entire life.

I make billions.

Buddha

I’m not quite sure if this is true or not, but our tour guide at one of the temples told this tale of Buddha. I do not care enough to fact check it.

Buddha used to be a very handsome, in-shape man. Women would fawn over him. However, these women distracted him in his trek to achieve inner peace.

Buddha put on a lot of weight in order to become less attractive.

Because of this, he achieved inner peace and I attained a new pick-up line.

A Wider Perspective

Bangkok is one of the most chaotic places on this planet. There are cars and motorbikes and tuk-tuk’s whizzing around. People congest the sidewalks. It’s high pace. There’s nowhere to hide.

From a rooftop, everything changes. Traffic flows. The lights are soothing. Walking patterns are satisfying. Madness becomes serenity.

“Well, no shit JB. That’s a terrible observation.”

I’m not done yet.

That’s life.

Everything is so chaotic when you’re stuck in reality. Nothing is easy. Distractions are everywhere. Production is halted. You have no control of your surroundings.

Take a step back. Look at your life holistically. Everything slows down when you take a wider perspective.

Elephant facts

50% of elephants have 2 trunks.

50% of elephants are male.

50% of the dogs in elephant sanctuaries enjoy potatoes in green curry (sample size: 2).

If an elephant attempts to mount you, you should move.

Do not attempt to mount an elephant.

Asian elephants are smaller than African elephants.

Asian people are smaller than African people.

African people are smaller than Asian elephants.

Corn can pass through an elephant’s digestive system in two hours and come out whole (not sure if that’s a testament to an elephant or corn).

Origin Story

We met a guy at the hotel pool. He was a superhero. Here’s his scouting report:

Appearance: Long beard, high and tight haircut, aviators, incredibly muscular.

Profession: Teacher, Football and baseball coach at an elite boarding school in Tennessee.

Past: Flew in the Air Force for years.

Purpose of trip: Visiting Thailand, India, and Egypt in order to create a curriculum that is entertaining for his students.

Guests: His daughter. He made sure to let us know that she was 15.

Superpower: Combat.

Story: Monkeys surround the pool (dare I say, guerrilla warfare..?). One monkey attempts to break into his room. His daughter runs over to the door to close it. He jumps out of the pool. His daughter runs inside and brings out a bag of chips for the monkey. Monkey pounces at her, grabs the chips, and runs away. Captain America chases after the monkeys and gets in a stare down with two of them. They trade barbs – hissing and swiping at each other. He grabs the chips back from the monkey, the monkey scratches his leg. The monkeys retreat.

Parenting Moment: He turns around after the face-off. He stares at his daughter and yells, “Why would you give it food?!”

The Best Part: When asked why he ran after the monkeys, he claims, “Where I’m from, if someone takes something from you, you take it back.”

Ending: He grabs a bottle of scotch-whiskey from his room. He drinks it straight from the bottle.

In The Dark

Generations ago, people looked out at the water and wondered what the rest of the world is like. Maybe they didn’t even know there was a whole world out there.

We pity them because they were missing so much.

We look out at the night sky and wonder what the rest of outer space has to offer. We don’t even know if there’s another world out there.

However, once we’ve all served our collective purposes on this planet, children will be looking from outer space and see Earth in the distance, hanging out with some aliens. They will pity us because we didn’t know that we were missing so much.

Instagram Caption Contest

I took a lot of pictures during this vacation. I want to share them all with you, but no self-respecting man uploads pictures to Facebook anymore and double posting on Instagram is a cardinal sin.

I’m going to make my own Instagram feed here. It will include a caption and a picture below. Enjoy!