It’s Your Birthday!

Does anyone remember their birth?

There has to be someone out there who has that distinct and accurate memory.

I’d like to have a chat with you.

You Got Me Trippin’

I trip over nonsense almost every day. Whether it be a slippery oil spot, jagged sidewalk, or someone’s foot.

I have yet to slip on a banana peel. Waiting on that moment.

However, I never fall. I can’t even remember the last time I tripped and fell.

I’ve showered without peeing more recently than I tripped and fell.

Now that’s saying something.

The Weirdest Sound A Human Can Make…

…is when they drink out of a water fountain. It is so fucking gross.

First World Problems

I’m going to preface the story with this: I never lose or break ANYTHING. Never lost my wallet. Never shattered my screen. Never misplaced my keys. And I’m banging profusely on wood as I write this.

However, I can no longer say I have never broken a phone. Not anymore.

This is about the most depressing way to introduce a story.

I have a flight tonight. So I spent last night packing. I’ll run you through a timeline.

8:00 PM – I wanted to finish packing my toiletries before I packed any of my clothes. I decided to shower and shave so I could stow my razor. As my shower is heating up (like that leftover lasagna), my grandma calls. I spend about 5 minutes talking to her before I was about to hang up. I attempt to lift my iPhone 6s to end the call, and it slips into the liquid abyss. My toilet.

8:09 – I frantically run downstairs to The Amish Market to get rice? Do I get quinoa instead? Does organic rice work well? Why am I even considering this – just fucking buy it.

8:16 – I submerge my soaked iPhone 6s in the tub of rice. A last ditch attempt to salvage my expensive piece of tech.

8:17 – I yank my phone out of the uncooked grain. I realize it’s a terrible idea to use this gimmick to rescue my phone when I have an international flight the next day.

8:19 – I call my dad with a breakdown of anger. He does his comedy routine and makes fun of me. I get even more pissed off.

8:20 – I call my sister to see what she can do. She has an iPhone 4 that MIGHT turn on. I impolitely decline this generous offer.

8:21 – I booked it to Grand Central Apple Store in a Kanye West t-shirt, sweatpant shorts, no underwear, and green Nike slides. Good thing I just clipped my toenails earlier in the night.

8:25 – I arrive at Grand Central Apple Store. I meet a delightful lady. I told her my phone fell in a bowl of water while making shrimp because I was trying to impress her. They cannot repair my phone overnight. I panic and buy a brand new iPhone X. Yes, I did get Apple Care.

8:31 – I arrive home with my new toy. I start setting things up. However, I cannot get any service. No calls are going through. No texts.

8:32 – I call Verizon using my old iPhone.

8:48 – I get off of hold. They tell me I need to shut off my old and new devices. They need to call a new number. My roommate isn’t home and who the fuck has a landline anymore.

8:51 – I FaceTime my sister from my laptop so Verizon can call her phone for setup. Verizon says that call will drop because my service will be turned off. I ask her if she can hold.

She says, “I can hold for two minutes.”

I reply, “Two minutes?”

She repeats, annoyed, “Two minutes.”

8:52 and 49 seconds: I arrive at my sister’s place. Covered in sweat. Out of breath. Doubled over. She thought I was still on FaceTime with her. I’m still pretty fast.

8:59 – I arrive back at my apartment with a brand new iPhone fully set up.

9:00 – I apply Gold Bond between my inner thighs because I forgot to wear underwear this whole time.

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous

Here are a few things I’ll say when I become rich and famous from blogging and podcasting:

Remember when I was a financial analyst?

Remember when I lived with a roommate in a one-bedroom apartment?

Remember when I had to share a Netflix password?

Remember when I blogged without my own domain name?

App Idea

No one ever knows when to leave for the airport.

No one ever wants to do the research to find out when to leave for the airport.

There should be an app that calculates your distance, traffic tendencies, flight type (international, domestic, gate location, etc.) and tells you the best method to reach the airport and when to leave.

GENIUS.

Teabagging

Do teabags work if they’re in cold water?

Airport Observations

Is there anything better on this planet than sitting next to a person with a dog on a plane?

Find an empty bar – bartenders will keep you entertained.

Don’t eat salty foods. You’ll drink more. Then you’ll pee more.

No one pours a stiffer drink than an airport bartender. They get why you’re here.

Drink as much as possible. But not beer. Because urine production

Be nice to everyone. They’ll be more likely to help you if you need it.

Do airport bartenders go through a security check?

Smile. You’re either going somewhere or reflecting on going somewhere. Be happy you have this privilege.

Baths Suck

Here’s a picture of my dog taking a bath.

Not. Pleased.

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