AHHHHH!!!

Here’s my pitch for a new horror movie:

A man sneaks into people’s house with full control of their Amazon Alexa’s.

Through this, he can hear everything said within the house and speak to the unsuspecting victims at will.

The victims cannot communicate due to the omnipresence of the murderer through this demon machine.

Alexa talks about the eerie topics including, but not limited to, theories on hell, how long humans can hold their breath under water, murder statistics in their hometown, etc.

At the end, he murders the entire family and reveals himself as Jeff Bezos.

As if Alexa could get any fucking creepier.

I really hope I can’t get sued for libel for this segment. Bezos can afford a much better lawyer than me.

Retire by 35

Here is a list of the best retirement jobs of all time:

1. Triple Crown winner
2. Everything else

Justify won the Triple Crown of horse racing this weekend. For the rest of Justify’s life, he will have sex with other horses about 5 times a day for $30,000 a pop.

Wow.

I’m in the wrong profession.

Angeletto

I had this new Roman restaurant this weekend in NYC called Angeletto’s. It’s on 2nd Ave. between 47th and 48th. It opened about a week ago. #FreeShmurda.

I do absolutely no work for them nor have any correlation to them, other than that I enjoy their food and it tastes just like Rome.

I’m sure they’ll give you the spiel, but the all-you-can-eat salami antipasto is a must. As are the traditional Roman pastas. Cacio e Pepe. Carbonara. Gricia. Amatriciana. Made fresh, on site, with semolina and water to get the true al dente bite.

Please go to this restaurant so it stays open and I can go there for years to come.

Dirty Jerz

Sad news out of the Great State of New Jersey today.

New Jersey is about to legalize sports gambling.

At face value, this sounds fantastic.

However, once gambling is legalized in New Jersey, I’ll no longer be the best thing that’s ever happened to the Garden State.

Things I Pretend to Know About

• Wine
• Pretty much all alcohol
• Cuts of meat
• How to be good at golf
• Managing a budget
• Politics
• Current events
• Taxes

Vacay

I’ll be on a bit of a vacay for the next 11 days. So if I don’t get a chance to post, I’d like to take this time to apologize in advance.

Trust me, where I’m going, I’m going to have plenty of content to write about.

I just hope that you miss me a little when I’m gone.

Bitmoji

For all of you who follow me religiously, you know how important my Bitmoji is to me.

I’m one of the few that actually has a Bitmoji who genuinely looks like me. Here he is:

However, I got Lasik eye corrective surgery recently. My Bitmoji has yet to reflect that.

I will be unveiling my newly improved Bitmoji right here:

It looks worse, doesn’t it?

Fuck.

#ExpandTheBrand