Explosions

How quickly does the coating on a liquid capsule dissolve?

I took DayQuil and I had an irrational fear that the coating would dissolve and a gallon of the inner juices would tsunami around my mouth.

I would have had to ingest the innards as well.

Because spitters are quitters.

Other Explosions

What ever happened to kids eating Tide Pods on YouTube?

Victory

I think most jobs should have advanced statistics aware to the public, akin to sports. Here are some examples:

• Winning percentage for lawyers
• Success rate for doctors
• Standard deviations for precise temperature steak cooking
• Accidents for taxi drivers
• Haircut satisfaction for barbers
• Successful cremations for morticians
• Laughs per blog post for bloggers

Tickle Me Elmo

I was tickled for the first time in 529 days.

I thought I would’ve grown out of it by now.

Do people grow out of being ticklish?

Man in the Mirror

Everyone stares at themselves in the mirror when they work out.

Some of the poses people do to make themselves look muscular is embarrassing.

I cross my arms to look like a body guard.

Take notice next time you’re at the gym.

Yeah, I lift.

And Twins

Is it mandatory for every set of twins to dress up as Thing 1 and Thing 2 for Halloween at some point in their lives?

Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

In case you haven’t heard, Miss America has gotten rid of the bathing suit portion of the show.

Here is why I’m incredibly distraught over this:

• It’s terrible for the bathing suit industry.
• I’ll have no idea which bikinis are “in” this summer season
• Too much focus on the gown portion of the show – gowns are much less affordable and accessible, setting up unrealistic standards for young females everywhere
• I’m a big Johnson & Johnson shareholder; this is one of the prime lotion events of the year

Reasons I Like My Blog

Firstly, I’m going to assume you’ve seen The Office. In the show, Jim and Pam talk about having a kid as the ultimate way of getting out of going to things. I treat my blog the same way. If I don’t want to go out at night, I just say I’m going to write tonight and everyone immediately backs off. It’s basically a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card.

This blog makes me keep my life interesting. I have a substantial fear of running out of material. Human interaction breeds quality content, therefore I spend more time outside and in busy areas.

I can write off Tinder Premium as a business expense. I don’t do this (yet), but Tinder is where I’ve found some of my best content. People are fucking weird on Tinder and I love it.

People want to talk to me. They also compliment me! Haven’t gotten complimented since 1998.

Money, Money, Money, Money

Here are a few things I don’t mind spending money on:

Travel

Food

Dress clothes

Casual clothes

Drinks at the bar

Drinks for other people at the bar

Concerts

Drunk Amazon purchases

Sporting events

New technology

Here are a few things I mind spending money on:

Extra 1.75 for guacamole

ATM Fees

Socks

Upcharge from regular Uber over Uber Pool

Pun of the Day

My roommate, Alex Spector, and I recorded a podcast in our apartment.

We can’t really call it our studio though.

Since it’s a two-bedroom.

Podcast of the Day

My roommate, Alex Spector, and I recorded a podcast in our apartment.

Here is the link:

Enjoy the face swap.

#ExpandTheBrand