Sounds I Haven’t Heard in a While

Yahooooo!

“You’ve got mail”

Blackberry alarm tone

Dial-up tone

Official Ranking of Worst Parts About Being Sick

1. Shitty sleep
2. Runny nose
3. Stuffy nose
4. Sneezing
5. Burning eyes
6. Coughing
7. Sore throat
8. Lost voice
9. Taking massive pills
10. Taking medication that never works

*This also doubles as my list about things I don’t like about allergies

Official Ranking of Best Parts About Being Sick

1. NyQuil
2. Complaining
3. Lots of rest

PIP

What ever happened to the picture-in-picture function on the television?

In case you don’t remember (I know my Silent Majority remembers), it was the ability to put a little screen from a different channel in the corner of the main screen.

It was impossible for me to watch Game 1 of the NBA Finals and the Scripps’ National Spelling Bee simultaneously.

It was a tough choice. As much as I love basketball, I’m also infatuated by spelling, bees, and spelling bees.

Safety Pins

I got stabbed by a safety pin the other day.

Whoever named it a “safety pin,” I’d like to politely say “fuck you.”

Junior

JR Smith had the biggest bonehead play in NBA history by trying to dribble out the clock with 5 seconds left in a tie game in the NBA Finals. In solidarity with JR, here are some things I’ve done the past couple weeks that are almost as bad:

• Wore mismatching socks
• Forgot to bring an umbrella to work
• Forgot to pick up my dry cleaning
• Went to refresh an Excel sheet at work and I pressed Fn+Shift+F8 instead of Fn+Shift+F9
• Made eye contact with a crazy person on the subway
• Came back to my apartment drunk and missed the toilet when I peed (sorry Spector)
• Forgot a comma in my last blog post
• Popped a pimple a day too early

That’s What She Said

I can’t hear this phrase without thinking of the immature joke made famous by me in middle school.

The Office definitely stole it from me.

It sucks that people say “that’s what she said” in a serious manner.

Change.org petition coming soon to ban this phrase (unless it’s being used in an immature manner).

I Like Turtles

I golfed this weekend. No, I did not shoot under a 120.

However, I met a new friend. It was a turtle.

This little turtle almost got crushed by a golf ball. I tried to pick up the turtle and move it closer to the water. However, it was a snapping turtle. And it tried to bite me.

In order to get an understanding of what this turtle wanted and its inhibitions to snap at me, I took to Tinder to do some investigative journalism.

Before we start, this is how the conversation ended:

To protect her complete anonymity, we will call her Jeanne from Tinder.

Opening Statements:

JB: This turtle was a feckless c**t. I tried to help this turtle return to shelter and away from the danger of impending missiles. I even offered him a ride in my golf cart. That’s a microcosm for what is wrong with America.

Jeanne: That’s what’s wrong with America? Turtles’ unwillingness to get into golf carts? Also, I believe the term you’re looking for is “metaphor,” not “microcosm.”

Cross-Examination:

Jeanne: Can you explain how a turtle not getting into a golf cart is a microcosm for what is wrong with America?

JB: It’s a situation where someone is trying to help another being. I tried to help the turtle, the turtle thought I was acting in a deleterious manner, and it tried to attack me. Both parties ended up upset.

Jeanne: I’m pretty sure that’s a metaphor, not a microcosm. But did you ever consider that the turtle didn’t need your help and you just made things worse by thinking you knew better then it?

JB: Than*. And no, I didn’t consider that. I know I’m way smarter than that turtle. The turtle was in the middle of a golf course. Almost got hit by a ball. It also tried to bite a golf club when I shoved a 7-iron in its face. That’s a pretty stupid thing to do. And yes, microcosm works in this sense. It’s a small situation that represents a larger situation.

Jeanne: IT’S A SITUATION THAT IS REPRESENTATIVE OF ANOTHER SITUATION – IT’S A METAPHOR. How do you know you’re smarter than that turtle? You tried to pick up a wild animal – pretty stupid of you.

JB: I was under the influence of alcohol. Seemed like the smart thing to do at the time.

Jeanne: Did you ever think that maybe the golf course was in the middle of the turtle’s home?

JB: Yes, yes I did. My golf course took over the turtle’s home. Trail of Tears style.

Jeanne: How would you feel if some drunk asshole 10 times your size stuck a metal stick in your face and then tried to pick you up?

JB: If I was in the middle of the desert, all alone, and there was a body of water in the distance, and he had a car? You best believe I’m hopping in.

Closing Statements:

Jeanne: You’re clearly a stubborn and argumentative person who won’t admit when he’s wrong.

JB: I hope you enjoy reading about yourself on my blog.

#ExpandTheBrand