Double Standards

I have found this very unfair over the past few days. I wore a t-shirt that said “University of Maryland” across the chest.

Whenever I wear this shirt, I always find people staring at my chest.

Excuse me everyone, my eyes are up here.

It’s even worse when I wear my tracksuit that says “Juicy” across the butt. People are always ogling me. I’m not a piece of meat. Frankly, I’m sick of it.

I will be starting a foundation called “Stop Staring At My Tits And Ass When I Wear Outfits That Have Words On Them,” or “SSAMTAAWIWOTHWOT,” for short.

Together, we will stop this disgusting form of shaming.

Worst Places To Get A Nose Bleed

KKK Rally

Drug Addicts Anonymous

Dentist office

Sitting in the last row of a sports stadium

In bed with someone, while sitting on top of them, facing each other (for whatever reason)

Skydiving

While committing murder or theft

Shark-infested water

Parenting

DISCLAIMER: To the best of my knowledge, I am not yet a father.

Parents must have a favorite child, right? It’s only human nature to like one person more than the rest.

For example, how do the Manning parents say that they like Peyton, Eli, and Cooper Manning equally?

I just made a lot of readers question their family dynamic. Sorry!

Better Shazam

For all my over-40 readers (the blog’s Silent Majority), Shazam is a smartphone app. If there’s a song playing you can’t identify, you open the app, press the center button, and it listens and feeds back the song title and artist.

Below is a list of things that I wish Shazam worked for. I’m looking at you, Wayne Brady!

• People I meet for the first time and immediately forget their names
• People I meet for the thousandth time and still forget their names
• Dog breeds
• Dog’s names so I can call them over to greet me
• Famous landmarks
• Math
• Tv shows
• Movies
• Which are the best/most popular items on a menu
• Paintings/sculptures because I’m trying to sound cultured AF (@SilentMajority —> “AF” directly translates to “As Fuck”)

Cactus update

With all this parent talk, I’d like to give an update on the cactus I have been fathering for the past year. If you recall in an older blog post “Definitive List of Things That Are and Aren’t Weird,” the cactus was tilting over (probably definitely because of the sombrero). Here’s how I fixed his path of development:

I looped a twist tie through the sombrero and attached it to a chopstick that I buried in the soil.

How culturally tolerant of me!

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