The People Who Know the Most About Me

Mark Zuckerberg

Jeff Bezos

My parents

Jack Dorsey

My sister

Evan Spiegel

Tim Cook

Sundar Pichai

Straw-Man

What’s the best way to open a straw?

Bang on the table. This is my favorite because it’s how I let out my aggression. However, there’s potential of Inadvertent Broken Straw (IBS)*.

*Not to be confused with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (even though they’re both equally detrimental and inconvenient)

Grab from the middle and pull in opposite directions. Textbook form. Takes a lot of force. Strenuous workout.

Rip a loop around the top and remove both ends by hand. This is how the restaurants do it. This is the cleanest method if someone else is doing your straw-handling.

Rip a loop around the top and remove one end by hand and one end by mouth. Didn’t even know people did this psychopathic move. Apparently it’s used to avoid touching any part of the straw with your hands. Losers and betas use this method.

Rip the tip off, slide the paper down, and pull the plastic out. This method sounds the most sexual. Notable Users: Bill Cosby, Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, Anthony Weiner, Matt Lauer, Louis CK, Morgan Freeman (too soon?)

Best Movie Montage Songs

Runaround Sue – Little Big League

You Make My Dreams – The Wedding Singer, eHarmony Commercial

Wake Me Up Before You Go Go – Zoolander

Come On Eileen – Tommy Boy

New York Groove – N/A, but I could imagine it being a great scene

I’m A Believer – Shrek

Walking On Sunshine – Herbie: Fully Loaded

Spirit in the Sky – Remember the Titans, Saving Grace

Have You Ever Seen The Rain – The Longest Yard

Sir Duke – N/A, but I’d also love to hear this as a movie montage song

Happy Together – every 80s movie

Yes, there will be a Spotify playlist for these songs. Follow me on Spotify. https://open.spotify.com/user/jcbelfer?si=cqZbwkcxSf2bHVvr8ItPkw

Talking with Davey

I could never be in the Navy.

I spill shit on my shirt all of the time and those white outfits just wouldn’t work for me.

I’m going to start sending Tide-To-Go pens to the Navy. There has to be a shortage.

G(r)o(w)ing Pains

The most demoralizing thing as a young boy is going into the women’s bathroom with your mom when your dad isn’t around to take you to the men’s room and you’re not old enough to go by yourself.

Kids these days will never know this feeling since genders don’t exist anymore.

Professional Golf Association: Rule 48.2.B

If a golfer tees off and the drive does not reach the women’s tee box, he must perform his next shot with his pants around his ankles.

As evident in the video above, I had to take two shots with my pants off.

Golf is fun!

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