Cologne, Germany

If I really like the smell of a specific Febreze, is it frowned upon to use it as cologne?

Offspring

I want to have a kid so I can finish their leftover mac and cheese and chicken nuggets.

I want to have a kid so I have an excuse to try all of the unhealthy desserts they have at the supermarket (THEY HAVE CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH BITES!!)

I want to have a kid because they would produce great content to blog about.

I don’t want to have a kid because they’re incredibly annoying and I’m wildly irresponsible.

I’m just going to buy my dog Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bites and split the box with her.

Maimonides

If a cashier asks you if you’d like to donate a dollar to charity with your purchase and you say no, you’re an asshole.

Definitive Candy Ranking

The best candy in 25 cent machines:

1. Runts
2. Gum-balls*
3. Peanut M&Ms
4. Gum-balls**

*if they have the yellow gum-ball that says you can win another gum-ball or a free soda or something

**if there is no potential to win any bonus prizes

Best Discontinued Commercial Stars

Sun Drop Girl

“Dirty Mouth” Orbit Girl

Maxwell the Pig that goes “Weeeee!” from Geico

It’s Me, Sunny D!

Rinsing your mouth out with warm water after brushing your teeth is almost as bad as drinking orange juice after you brush your teeth. Almost.

Short Hair, Don’t Care

You’re not allowed to wash your hair until three days after Lasik surgery. That’s such a bigger problem for everyone else that isn’t me.

Bowling For Soup

The bowling alley is a terrible place to go if you’re insecure about your shoe size.

According to a reliable source, I look like a bowling pin.

Did you know, the circumference of the widest part of a bowling pin is equal to the height of the bowling pin?

Eye Drop, Drop Top

I’m not very good at putting in eye drops.

I swear this is an eye drop.

#ExpandTheBrand