Here are some things I did this morning that are definitely not weird:

Blow dry my beard, armpits, and chest hair

Dry off in my sheets – J. Cole once rapped about this in “In the Morning” so it’s trendy #PlatinumWithNoFeatures

Write blog ideas in the notes page of my phone

Put socks on before pants

Sing “Good Morning Baltimore” from Hairspray

Swipe right on Tinder until I run out of swipes

Swipe right on JSwipe until my thumb cramps

Swipe right on Bumble until my thumb falls off

Go on Hinge

Eat four scoops of chunky peanut butter and take a shot of espresso

Things that are weird (in general)

Referees wearing alternate uniforms

Saying the Pledge of Allegiance every day

Flushing in a public bathroom

Rooting for a baseball team that plays in Flushing, Queens

Washing your jeans after less than seven wears

I need some advice

I have a cactus at my desk and it’s really crooked. Anyone have any advice on how to fix this? Removing the sombrero is non-negotiable so don’t even try. Please slide in my DMs at @BanPinkLemonade on Twitter if you know anything about horticulture.

#ExpandTheBrand